Tuesday night, they did one in which they largely guffawed almost helplessly through an entire hour, frolicking in a gigantic pool of chaotic hilarity as college football embarked on a new world in which there are no contracts, no rules and no collegiality. It's a 130-way piefight, and every pie is gravel and broken glass with a Cool Whip topping.
So if those three guys, who hold this sport in a reverence it clearly did not, does not, and never will deserve, can laugh their way through an hour of corporate hot mess, shouldn't we all?
Shouldn't we look at these stuffed suits and tin robots and see that the only thing they have figured out about Pandemic America is that everyone gets to make up their own reality and defend it by solely screaming at other people? Isn't this just Curb Your Enthusiasm Meets Drunken History Meets A Bill Burr Comedy Special?
Well, yes. It is. And we should laugh at it because all the lessons are there to see. In a world with no rules and enough hired gasbags to claim there are rules to defend the concept of no rules, eventually no rules becomes the new rules. Got it? Of course not.
And that's the central takeaway from the last two days and the 30 to come. You defend what you can see, and the rest of the world can go screw. Conferences are just TV deals now anyway, and TV deals are the only point of commonality for the 130 schools. Or at least they were until now — NEBRASKA of all places is the new St. Petersburg, and Scott Frost is the new Leon Trotsky.
Now that's funny.
In fact, it's all gut-busting hilarious as long as you forget that real kids doing dangerous things without compensation could get long term heart disease on top of the usual orthopedic and brain injuries. I guess maybe it's what people used to call a dark comedy.
But when you pull back and just see athletic directors and university presidents and football coach bloviating like chickens on a meth run, it is genuinely the comedy for our times. And if the recriminations, second-guessing, backstabbing and rampant dishonesty that have always been the fuel of college football are now operating at full open power because all the valves have been snapped off, the sport can finally be what it as destined to be before TV figured out there was money to be had.
Tribes of psychopaths egged on by sociopaths fighting other tribes of psychopaths and sociopaths in alleys for no apparent reason save the fun of beating the plasma out of each other and then eating the losers. You can't tell me DAZN doesn't want a piece of that action.
And in the meantime, there are 77 teams playing major college football, and 41 bowl games. If you don't think that's funny, you have no sense of humor at all and deserve to spend the rest of your days in your basement watching the light bulb on one exposed cord swinging back and forth forever.
Now go out there and have a great day. College football caught COVID and now has brain damage. Excelsior!