We would like to apologize in advance for our roles in making these the two worst weeks on the calendar yet again. In fact, these could be the two worst weeks ever.
Yes, it's the Super Bowl, and it will be unbearable, in new ways as well as old, because this Super Bowl Week will have the thing it has never had before in such abundance — story lines you were sick to death of last year, and a few you've come to be sick of more recently. Truth told, you'd be less of a blight upon the planet if you made a Super Bowl swear jar and tossed in a buck every time you heard something you already knew about either team or any of its characters, and donated the money to a food bank.
You already know the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are the first team to play a Super Bowl in its home stadium because Joe Buck told you 63 times yesterday alone.
You know everything you will ever need to know about the Kansas City Chiefs because you heard every bit of it last year.
You know everything you will ever need to know about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers because you've heard every bit of the only thing people will talk about these two weeks for the last 20 years.
You know everything you will ever need to know about how the NFL played every game this year despite COVID because its PR army and the sycophants who rely on them have been ramming it down your gullet on a daily basis since Week 5.
You know everything you will ever need to know about The Weekend because he's been on an ad that has played every eight minutes for the last month.
You know everything you will ever need to know about cooking for parties that you shouldn't be having, and ways to make the day more festive even though you're only decorating for yourself and will have to take it all down by yourself when it's done.
In fact, because TV is our only friend during the lockdown that never ends, you will know everything you will ever need to know about the Super Bowl on an endless tape loop that is most likely to do nothing but turn your pets against you as they demand with teeth and bladders more Puppy and Kitten Bowl retrospectives... of which you know everything you will ever need to know.
It's Groundhog's Day, only there will be nine Groundhog's Days before Groundhog's Day and five after it.
Sadly, there really is no avoiding it without forswearing all your entertainment devices. Captive audiences make for overeager marketers, and they will be in your grill constantly. It's why we urge you to get as many dollar bills as you can and start feeding that kitty. If you embrace the Super Bowl Jar idea, you could at least sleep better at night knowing you've done something good for someone you don't even know.
That is, until the night terrors about Andy Reid and Bruce Arians dressed as woodnymphs and dancing through a glade resume. Because there's something like that coming this week, I know it.
Anyway, we're sorry. The beast must be fed or it will devour us all. Only for this coming fortnight, the beast will be fed WHILE it devours us all. Whip up some buffalo wings with that vision gnawing at your brain stem, we dare you.