What’s Jay Cutler up to these days? I’m glad you asked. The last time we heard from Cutler he was stranded in the Bahamas at the onset of the coronavirus quarantine. Much has changed since then. Not only has Cutler split from his wife Kristin Cavallari, but the former Bears and Broncos QB now finds himself mixed up in a dangerous murder plot. Many of Cutler’s beloved chickens have gone missing and the one-time Pro Bowler is out for justice.
“We’ve got a chicken serial killer on the loose,” said Cutler in an Instagram story posted Wednesday. “We’ve lost quite a few.”
Cutler can’t be sure who perpetrated the murders, but he has his suspicions. “Tonight, we’re going to set up a trail camera, see if it’s a coyote, bobcat, raccoon,” said Cutler, laying out a few possible suspects. “It could be anything.”
Morale on the Cutler farm appears to be low amid recent developments. The culprit is still at large, but Cutler promises the poultry killer’s days are numbered. “Enough’s enough,” said the former first-round pick. “These ladies are pretty edgy right now so we’ve got to figure this out.”
With no leads, it’s anyone guess who committed this malicious act, though the 37-year-old did acknowledge the very-real possibility of a wide-reaching government conspiracy. “It could be an inside job,” reasoned Cutler, pointing an accusing finger at his cat, Thelma. “Thelma over there, while she looks nice and sweet, is a savage with loose morals.”
Cutler has since scrapped that theory, publically apologizing for falsely accusing Thelma of such a heinous and senseless crime. “While I’m not sorry you were accused of these vicious acts, I will be the bigger person and admit I was wrong. You are not the suspect we are looking for.”
Mystery abounds at the Cutler compound. Will justice be served (Does Carole Baskin have an alibi?) or will the killer walk free? Let’s hope Detective Cutler can crack the case.